I have a long test tomorrow and I should be studying but blogging relaxes me and I'm taking a break from all the studying.. I already have something in my blog but decided to publish it on a later time. That post seems too frivolous.

Anyway, my friend's boyfriend sent me an SMS at 2:04 in the morning, they lost the baby. (for the record, they've decided to go to a new doctor for a 3rd opinion, on what, I have yet to find out.)

She and I have been friends since early '99, almost a decade eight (8) years of friendship. It feels like a sister lost her baby, my niece or nephew. There's the tinest part of me thinking that it's probably better that way, I don't think they're ready for it and everything else a baby comes with but then again who am I to say such?

A friend told me that living here has tripled my rationalism and practicality which, according to her, is not really "okei" since I was already too rational and too practical (for her taste) at a young age. Imagine a 17/18-year-old girl asked to choose between (a) staying with her friends, relatives she grew up with, the country where she lived more than half of her life and the guy she's supposedly in love with and (b) living abroad, who then left "everything" and "everyone" behind to live abroad because she used her "head" and not her "heart", now imagine that same girl who uses her "head" three times more than she did when she was younger, that's who I've become.

I know how she wanted to have a baby but I also remember her telling me that they're not ready for it, it's not the right time. And I could not agree more.

Am I turning into a bad person? Sometimes I feel like I am. Like I'm becoming someone who uses her head alone, someone with no heart. But then again, I feel for her, when I read the SMS I felt like crying and so I did. Maybe that means I still have a heart, after all. But I must admitt, at times, I'm scared that I might lose my heart and end up not feeling anything at all. Now, that would be sad. A really sad life to live.

Minsan, I can't help but think na maybe I'm like this because people have always thought of me as someone who's strong and I'm that person to whom everyone turned to for strength and I felt (and still feel?) that I had to play the part. And playing that part for the longest time, the role eventually became the me that I am today.

I know I'm exaggerately complicated and that most times, I'm a living contradiction but I know for sure that my friends love me for who I am and will still love me no matter who I become and that boys and girls, keeps my heart alive. :) They know how much I treasure and love each and every one of them. They're not friends anymore, they're my siblings, they're part of the family. In this case, blood is definitely not thicker than water.

Aaaaaannnyyywwwaaayy, I'll try to call my friend tomorrow and see how things are. I hope everything's okei better. I hope she's feeling better.

It's sad. It's just too sad. Sigh.

Labels: Buhay ng may Buhay, doing it the soap-opera way, Friends, Si Dindin