The truth is, the biggest part of me cannot wait until it's summer and I can go back home.

This country, this city, the people in this city, the people I am forced to spend almost every day with, are bringing out the worst part of me, and I am not liking it. I am not liking what I am turning into.

I used to be one of the most positive person, thoughtful, idealistic, fair, productive, patient, and then this country and its people happened. I've always had this façade of being the most pessimistic person in a room, but people close to me knew I am the most idealistic person there is. Probably one of the major reasons why I always try my best to find the goodness in everyone, and probably also one of the major reasons why I am always "used and abused", as Asmae would say. I do not want to be a cynic, and I'm afraid that slowly I am turning to be exactly that kind of person.

Inside I am crying for the version of me that is slowly fading, being drowned by this newer, meaner, version I am becoming.

Maybe I'm overreacting, or maybe I am not.

Labels: I love Milano, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Pouting, Si Dindin, Silly Me, Viva Italia

I'm waiting for Xara to come pick me up. Meanwhile, I don't have anything better to do, and so I blog.

Wala lang. Hehehe. Basta ang alam ko:



Hehehe. :-)

Labels: Si Dindin, Silly Me

For one frivolous (for some people) reason, and for so many other reasons, all at the same time...

Some times I feel like moving here was the wrong move to make...

Tonight (wow, it's almost 3AM) is one of those times. My mind starts to wander to places, some of them dark, and I start to ask myself silly questions that are sometimes scary 'cause I can't think of an answer... I start to wish of things, people, and situation that are so out of reach... Then I start to tell (convince) myself that this, whatever this may be, is better than living the next couple of years with "What ifs".

And if given the chance to go back in time, I just might do things exactly as I did them now. But you see, there's a big difference about being sure and confident about the decisions you make, and actually living them. Because most of the time your decisions do not depend on what you solely want to happen.


Note to self: STOP stalking * online. So NOT healthy! (-_-)

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, I love Milano, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Si Dindin

The last couple of months have been unbelievable.
I finally decided to move out. I moved not just to a different city, but a different country. It's not a strange country 'cause I did stay here for, more or less, 10 years, so it's not as difficult as one may think. And it's not like I'm totally living on my own, since (most probably) more than half of what I'm spending comes from my financier, the Mother Goose. :-P But you get the idea. So far, so good. And I am proud to announce that both Andi and I are still alive. Hehehe.

_______________

I'm putting the Project 365 on hold, because the last few months of transition didn't give me enough time to take a picture every single day. Just so you know, I plan to restart on my 27th birthday. [When I feel like I'll feel (paulit-ulit? Hehehe.] so grown up! Hahaha.)

I missed blogging, I miss my MAC, I missed Twitter, I miss my Canon, I miss fast internet and painless router... I miss Milano [and everyone (and everthing) in it], and I miss you (you probably don't care, but, yes, I do miss you.) - so near, yet so far lang ang drama. Hahaha.

I have at least a year to see how things will turn out 'till I have to make another decision. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Wish me luck. Keep me in your heart. And pray for me.

Labels: Andi, Famiglia, I love Milano, I'm thinking of YOU, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Project 365, Si Dindin

Today was weird.

I woke up 30 minutes before my clock.. Well, alarmed. I tried going back to sleep, but couldn't. So, I just stayed in bed, awake, doing nothing, except to stare blankly at the nothingness in front of me.

On my way home, inside the bus, I felt like I was running out of air to breathe. I had to get off two bus stops early. It was a good long walk, I started to feel calm.

The whole day felt so dragging... And I wanted to cry. Not the normal, demure cry I often do. I wanted to cry, the hagulgol kind of cry.

What's up with that?
I'm feeling a bit better by the way.
Off to bed now. Night-night.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, I love Milano, Si Dindin, Silly Me

It rained today. I swear the rain knows exactly when I need it.

Thank you, Pà! And thank you, Lord!
I feel a bit better, and so much calmer.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Famiglia, I'm thinking of YOU, Si Dindin, That's Amore

I've been feeling so down these past few days. I think it showed a little too much that A and her boyfriend, G, thought of going on a road trip. After a late lunch, at around 4PM we were headed to Fox Town, Mendrisio, Switzerland.

I have few but such great friends.

The best part of the trip was that the moment we passed the borders, it started to snow. I took no picture, though.

Yes. Snow. The snow and I, we have a special relationship. Yes. Me, the snow, and a few special people.
Thank you. :-)
♥ ♥ ♥

Labels: Friends, Lights Camera Action, Si Dindin, Viva Italia, Weder-Weather

Some days ago, after days and days of Mamma asking me, I finally decided to clean up Papà's clothes (including shoes). Yes, I know 5 years is such a long time. Anyway, after my siblings chose what they wanted to keep, and putting almost half of the clothes in plastic bags that will then be given to those who need them, I think 1/4 of Papà's clothes, together with 4 shoes and a slipper, ended in a box because I refuse to let go of them.

I felt so sad and heavy while sorting through his things. After five long years his clothes still smell like him. I was being so dragging, it took me almost 4 days to finish. I feel like energy has been drained off of me. I was on the verge of crying a couple of times, and now I feel like crying nonstop.

My heart feels so heavy. Good night, and see me in my dreams.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Famiglia, Si Dindin

Months ago I made a decision. Something that will affect where, with whom, and how I would live the next few years. I'm not really a risk taker. Most times, I only risk when I already have a fallback plan ready. This time I actually have 2. You know, just in case my first fallback plan fails.

I'm the type of person who, when my bottle of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face cream, or tube of toothpaste, or our box of orange juice or milk, are only 1/4 full, I start buying a new one. I don't think I've reached a point of hoarding naman, I just want to make sure I don't run out of something I need. That's being rational, right?

A friend told me I'm not helping myself with all these fallback plans, and playing safe, and I'm jinxing my own self, and all that... But... Is it really so wrong to play safe?

Labels: Eskwela, Friends, I love Milano, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Si Dindin, The US of A

Today is the day.

I woke up, brushed my teeth, ate breakfast, groomed Andi, took a shower, skipped lunch, brushed my teeth (again), got dressed, and prepared all the papers I'll be needing for my 14.30 appointment at the C. office.

I leave behind the door that slammed too loud for my taste. Waited for the bus, then the metro, then the bus again. As I set foot on that 2nd bus I had to take, I said to myself, "It's now, or never." It's either they grant me what I've been requesting since last May, or I'll just forget about it. I've lived my life without it before, I can surely continue living without it.

The Universe conspired. The people at the C. were, surprisingly and weirdly, nice, and smiling. I had to wait a little too long, as in an hour and a half long, but i got what I came for. My request was finally granted.


I WANT YOU ALL TO CONGRATULATE ME! Gow!
(And for now, let's not worry about the fact that I have to go back to the C. to apply for an E-passport.)



And there's more... I came home to this:


Yay! I've been waiting for this letter, because I love hand-written letters! I love letters I can actually hold in my hands. Hand-written letters are like letters with personality. :-)


Kumi, thank you very much for the hand-written ala Twitter letter! Hehehe. The first thing that came to my mind when I saw the paper was GG! Hahaha. When Mamma saw the envelope she was surprised to see that you used pink ink! I thought it was normal, after all, you're the girl who chase beautiful things. Me? I already had the pleasure of using red, gold, and even silver (but I won't recommend silver, mahirap sya basahin, at napagalitan ako ng ale sa post office), aside from black, of course. Hahaha.

Have a good, good night everyone! :-)

Labels: Andi, Friends, I love Milano, Lights Camera Action, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Si Dindin

Today, Monday, I just decided to stay home. Cancelled all appointments and moved everything that needs to be done on Wednesday. I wanted to motivate myself, try to convince myself and the Universe that Tuesday will be a great day.

I stayed in bed until around lunch time, which, for me, means around 2PM. I got up, had lunch, showered, read a book, went back to bed, and watched the television. Before I could do more of doing nothing (ano daw? Hehehe.), it's 9PM already. I'll skip dinner, watch some DVD, or maybe read a book.. I don't know yet.

But this, I'm sure of, before I go to bed, I will tell myself, the Universe, and whoever is listening, that tomorrow I will get things done, it'd be a good, good, day. Thankyouverymuch.

Good night, and great dreams!

Labels: Si Dindin, Silly Me

So, after (the-much-awaited-and-equally-dreaded) July 15th appointment, I decided not to go online because I felt so frustrated. On the 20th, once again, I'm going back to their office to try my luck (once again) and (once again) see if this time my request will be granted. I'm still a bit irritated. Like what I told Xara, when she texted me to check what happened with people at the C, I didn't want to go online just to rant— Badtrip pa ako! I don't want to spread the negative vibes.

You see, I actually don't mind going back every-single-time they arrange an appointment, and find out that none of them were there because something suddenly came up; an emergency meeting, an emergency trip to Rome, they couldn't find my application form because the one who filed it was sick, or simply everyone got sick. I mean seriously. The thing that (almost) made me mad, was how annoyed they were when they found out my application was filed last May 5th, and was still in-process as if it was my fault.. Hello?! It's not my fault that every time THEY gave me an appointment something would "suddenly" come up, and they won't even pick the phone to inform me about it.

Three days after my most-recent-appointment with the C, I'm still pissed. So, this afternoon I decided to go to a bookstore. Bookstores make me feel calm, they make me happy, they make me feel at home. I like how people tend to respect everyone at bookstores, regardless of race, gender, and age. I love how everyone respect the unwritten rule of silence.

Summer sales are ongoing here. I was surrounded with books from all over that had GIGANTIC AND COLORFUL STICKERS that read "3 x 2: Compri 3 libri, ne paghi solo 2!" (You can choose 3 books and only pay 2 of them!), "-25%", and "-30%" on them. There was no way I could say no, and turn my back on those books. Absolutely. No. Way.


With 5 books in my colorful eco-bag, I headed home, feeling better, with more positive vibes to share with everyone.


Though this probably means I can't buy anymore books until Chirstmas, or maybe September, since it'll be my birthday, hehehe.

Let's keep the good vibes flowing. :-)

Labels: Book Porn, I love Milano, Lights Camera Action, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Si Dindin

Whenever I get the chance to visit the Philippines, I never leave the country without buying books, because it's cheaper and easier to buy books there. I sometimes buy book(s) when I travel too, you know how airports can be a lonely place! I don't have that much books, I used to just borrow them from friends, or libraries. I only started buying them when my budget finally allowed it, 4-5 years ago.

These are the books I have, most of them I've read more than once, and others I haven't read yet:



And yes, I have too much books that I still need to read. Four of these still have their plastic covers.


Hand-me-down books:




Archie!!! I mean c'mon, who doesn't like Archie??!



The two times I've been to the U.S., I bought these (airports can get looooneeelyy eh):

• The first time (I was with Papà), I bought "Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul on Love & Friendship"

• And the second time, I got stuck in London (stupid stopover) by myself. I brought home "How To Read A Person Like A Book" (I've already finished the book before the plane took off.)
  

Now, this is a gift from a friend when the hype was still all about "The Da Vinci Code".


I was on page 30 when my (then) favourite teacher saw me reading it, and told me to stop, mainly because it was trash. So, I stopped reading it. I know I will get back to it, when I'm finally done with my book backlog. Yes, I can be easily convinced most of the time. I mean, I have 2 Wiccan books. You get the idea?



Though most of the time I judge a book by its back cover (a.k.a. plot summary), sometimes, I judge a book by its cover. Here's The Surrender by Toni Bentley:


I stopped reading this in public (I'm actually not done with this book yet, hehehe) because I caught 4 people staring at the book. Find the book, and you'll probably understand the reason why. :-P



I usually read 3-4 books at a time, because.. I don't know, I tell myself I do it because I don't want to get bored with whatever book I'm reading.

Lately, I've been reading...

(1) Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom, this is actually the 2nd time I read this book. The movie got me disappointed, of course.



(2) For One More Day by Mitch Albom.



(3) I Do or I Die! RJ Ledesma’s Imaginary Guide to Getting Married and Other Man-Made Disasters (As Told to him by his Yaya) by RJ Ledesma, obviously. [Probably the longest book title I've ever seen!]



I finished "Tuesdays With Morrie" 2 days ago, last night I finished "I Do or I Die [...] (As Told to him by his Yaya)", will try to finish "For One More Day" before next week ends.


Anyway, I've been hearing and reading a lot about Haruki Murakami, who at first I thought was a Manga writer. I've been wanting to read him for the longest time, but I always get discouraged by people surrounding me, they keep telling me that I will most probably be depressed for at least a year if I read him. Until I met a friend, Kumi, who finally encouraged me to go ahead and read him. As I was afraid to end up terminally depressed, I asked her to suggest what book I should start with. She suggested "Sputnik Sweetheart", and "The Wind-up Bird Chronicle". Kumi also suggested reading Rachel York's "Chasing Lightning". Now the hunting starts...

Here, it's hard to find the books I want to read in English. Sobrang macha-challenge ka. Yes, I want to read them in English because I'm starting to be bobo in English already. Yesterday morning, I had to take Andi (my Shih Tzu) to the vet. I went home and felt sad about having to eat lunch by myself, so I decided to start book hunting, and just skip lunch.

I went to 3 bookstores where I found not one book.

First bookstore, I found (we're talking Haruki Murakami, okei?):

(1) Kafka on the Shore, and (2) After Dark. Both are not on my list, so... Nothing.



I met up with a friend, and then went on to the second bookstore, they didn't have a single Murakami book. My friend saw I was disappointed and suggested I buy this book:

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert



I was hesitant to buy it, because I'd like to watch the film and not get disappointed. When they turn books to movies, I usually don't like the film as much as I like the book, and always get disappointed.

On to the third bookstore, where I found this:

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running - A memoir by Haruki Murakami



And this:

Eat, Pray, Love. by Elizabeth Gilbert





Kumi decided to start an online book club, so that means plus one on my list. I need to look for "One Day" by David Nicholls. I'm tempted to go back to Ebay where it's easier to buy, but it takes so long to finally smell and touch the books...

On Monday, the book hunt continues.

Labels: Book Porn, Friends, Lights Camera Action, Si Dindin

Premise: I don't think that people who'll go Yellow on the 10th don't think. (No pun intended.)

As much as I respect everyone's opinion, and though I still don't have the right nor the privilege to vote (Who else thinks that me being 25 and still haven't got the chance/right to vote once is just plain ridiculous?! Shucks, ano ba?!!), may I ask everyone to please don't let Noynoy Aquino be the next president of our beloved Philippines. Seriously.

Vote wisely!

Vote for the person who you believe in. Don't waste your vote, as long as you vote for the person who you really think deserves to lead the country, win or lose, your vote won't be wasted. There are people, like me, who terribly wish we can vote but can't.

I am deeply saddened by how some people think that their vote (or not voting) could not affect the results of the election. It's not just ONE vote, it's so much more than that.

Last Sunday we went to Piacenza with a whole bunch of other Pinoys, as in a whole bus of Pinoys, I asked them if they're voting, almost 75-80% of them said "no", I asked them why, and they said "Hindi naman ako naka-rehistro eh" (Not a registered voter). Shit! Ano ba?! If they weren't all older than I am, I would have said, "'Bat di ka nagpa-rehistro?!" Why do most OFWs think this election won't affect them just because they live abroad? And why is the Consulate being such a pain, on almost everything that has to be done in their office?!

Go out and vote!

There are 2 ways to waste your vote: (1) is to not vote; and (2) is voting for someone just because surveys say he'll win. The moment you vote for that person is the exact same moment you'll waste your vote. Please vote wisely, don't use too much of your heart in deciding who should be the next president of our country.

Thank you.

Please read also:
Chuvaness.com - Forget the surveys - http://chuvaness.livejournal.com/867006.html

P.S.
If you're asking who I would vote for.. Well, if I had the right, and the privilege I'd probably vote for either Richard Gordon, Manny Villar, or Gibo Teodoro, in that order.

Labels: Buhay ng may Buhay, Halo-Halo Special, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Politica, Si Dindin

It's hard when people's decision ends up messing your plans, and inevitably leave you from having too many options, to no option at all. It's hard when you're always second to someone else on everyone's "priority list". It's hard when the voice of the mind starts to sound louder than that of the heart, and it's harder when you have to just play deaf to your heart's desire because you have no other choice but let your head speak.

Happiness is a state of mind, I know this won't make me happy now, but I'll eventually learn how to be, or at least, continue faking it... I've been trying to fake it for the last 8-9 years in vain, but as they say, practice makes perfect.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Si Dindin

Sometimes, having too many options to choose from is just as hard as not having any.

Everyone is telling me to think about my future, but when will I get the chance to start thinking about my present? I want to live in the moment. I've never done that before.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Famiglia, Si Dindin

When my brother told me he loves me, I rested my head on his shoulder. When I heard him say "Love you", inside me I panicked. I didn't know what to say, okei, of course I knew what to say, but for some reason my lips won't say it.

I don't know, I find it hard to say "I Love You". I don't remember saying "I love you" or "I love you too" once. I write it, but I think I've never said it. I'm not a verbal person, I like hugs, and cuddling, and small notes, but that's about it.

I may find it really hard to say "I love you", and it's probable that you may never hear me say it, but when I write "I love you" or "I love you too", I mean it, I always do.

Labels: Famiglia, Friends, Si Dindin, Silly Me, That's Amore

One of my brothers, who lives in the US with his family, came here for Kuya Saldy's funeral. It has been 10 years since they last saw each other. Everyone knows that Papà wanted me to move and live in the US, he says I'll have a better future and more opportunities in the land of milk and honey. I was planned to move to the US in 2006, but Papà died a year before so the plan did not push through. Last year, around Christmas season (after more than a year of thinking), I decided to come back here, work (seriously) for at least a year to save some, apply to have a Filipino citizenship, and move back to Pilipinas.

The whole time Kuya was here, he's been convncing me to move to the US instead, and stay with him and his family, until I can live on my own. And I kept on convincing him that I'll be fine and hopefully will make it in the Philippines, and if all things fail, I can always go back here to Italia. The thing is... He succeeded and convinced my siblings, and some of my relatives that moving to the US is the better choice.

Pilipinas, mauudlot ka na naman ba?

---

P.S.
I would like to thank everyone for the prayers, the thought, the messages, and for "being with us" in this time of grief. We really appreciate it very much. We would like to let you know that the family and I are feeling much better now.

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Famiglia, Friends, Mabuhay Pilipinas, Pouting, Si Dindin, The US of A

I wonder why I am always asked to take care of people around me.

When Lolo died, I was 18 (give or take), everyone around us told me to watch over Mamma; then when Papà died, again everyone told me to watch over Mamma and my siblings; only days ago when one of my Kuyas (brothers) passed away, again and again, everyone told me to care for my siblings. It's not that i'm complaining, okei maybe I am, but what makes them think that I don't need at least one person to take care of me? Don't I deserve that?

Labels: doing it the soap-opera way, Famiglia, Si Dindin